New Anthem

Collapse by Assemblage 23

I’m on the verge of collapse
I’m on the brink of disaster
And I’m far more lost than I want to admit

I’m at the end of my rope
I’m on the edge of a breakdown
And no matter how tightly I hold on, I still slip

And you’re watching me die
Right in front of your eyes
And if you turned your back on me
I wouldn’t be surprised

There’s no new story to tell
It’s every man for himself
As brick by brick
We construct our own personal hell

I’m running out of time
I’m running short on options
And the desperation is chewing me up inside

I’ve got nowhere to go
I’ve got no one to turn to
Just accelerating, inescapable decline

And you’re watching me die
Right in front of your eyes
And if you turned your back on me
I wouldn’t be surprised

There’s no new story to tell
It’s every man for himself
As brick by brick
We construct our own personal hell

I’m suffocating with guilt
Asphyxiating on panic
And I can’t shake off this fear with which I’m bound

I’m buried up to my neck
I’m sinking under the water
And the next wave could be the one that brings me down

And you’re watching me die
Right in front of your eyes
And if you turned your back on me
I wouldn’t be surprised

There’s no new story to tell
It’s every man for himself
As brick by brick
We construct our own personal hell

http://www.myspace.com/officialassemblage23

*sigh*

As always, I never really have all that much to say. Currently though, I lost my writing muse again. I think that it's the stress that's getting to me. It's been getting to me. There are some things that I'll never understand. I used to write all the time. ALL the time. I couldn't get enough paper to put down my ideas, my thoughts, everything. But now, when I go for a piece of paper. My thoughts vanish. I can't concentrate. I worry that my depression is worsening again. Hell, I worry that it's not depression at all, but something worse. Something is wrong, doesn't feel right in my head anymore.

Much too quiet. Not a serene silence or awaited calm. But that pause before the big storm hits. When you know it's going to be horrible and it's time to take shelter.

Where can I take shelter from myself?

Drawing

Well, I've started drawing again. (I'm not very good at all at it, if you've never seen my drawings.) I made an account on deviantART, mostly to track my progress to see if I'm hopeless, or I might be able to draw someday.

Otherwise, I haven't posted in a while. My life's been...stressful and hectic. But, that's not new.

As always, I'm boring. And have nothing else to say. =)

My Anthem

Precipice by VNV Nation

the hope of my redemption
is such that i believe that i am free
to confess would bring me no salvation
i alone hold the power to forgive me

of my acts, i will admit, i've no pretensions
i've no regrets for all the things that i have done
my faiths, to me, are as foundations
none has the right to judge my soul but me

there is no going back
no quarter now remains
no return for me, no sanctity
a single chance prevails
the lands behind laid waste
no doubt, no amends to make
at break of day
until the light fails
march ever on

great are the paths of our creation
that have been made for the brave to see
the fools who would condemn this existence
are as lands to be vanquished and seized

People

What the hell? I cannot believe how assholish people can be. Well, I suppose I can, since I pretty much hate people in general.

But why is it that people always threaten to leave the company if this isn't fixed. When it's the first time they've ever said a word about any issue at all?!? It's not like they've been complaining constantly and nothing has been fixed. We didn't even know there was an issue, and here you are, threatening me like I give a flying fuck. Obviously, I don't want people like you, do I? Who will threaten leaving the company at the drop of a hat. Clearly, you aren't loyal to us, so why the hell do I care to fix your problem since you decided to be an asshole before we even started.

UGH! I never call up places and immediately state "I'll leave if this doesn't get fixed". Doesn't matter how bad my problem is. Chances are, they don't know about it, so why the hell do I have the right to be a dick to them? I'm not the most important person in the world, why the fuck to other people think that they are?

Especially the people who pay almost nothing for their accounts. Those people make me laugh. "I'm gonna leave." LMAO! *falls out of her chair* I could pay for your account for an entire year for less than I would spend on a new pair of jeans! Why do people threaten like that? Do they not realize that the people on the other side of the ticket/chat/phone are also people? So many times I have just wanted to reach through the phone and shake people and ask them, "Are you listening to what's coming out of your mouth?"

I would love to ask them if I treated them the same way if they would want to continue to help me or not. The people who yell at me and treat me like shit...*sigh* Why can't I just hang up?

Oh well. That's my rant of the month.

Hope everyone is doing well

Normal

I've known for a long time that I'm not "normal". I don't think the same way other people do, I don't act the same way other people do...the only thing that's "normal" about me, is my appearance. And even then, that's not always true.

But I can't believe that I'm the only one who experiences the following:

Every day I drive in my car. Well, at least Monday through Friday, to and from work. And every day some asshole drives like an idiot, like he's trying to commit suicide. When said asshole gets near me, instantly in my head I see a "vision" of what could happen.

Such as yesterday. Someone almost slammed into the back of my car while I was going 70, they were probably going 80 or 85. So, instantly I saw in my head a little play. My car went over the barrier (which I was going over a bridge) my car crumpled into the ground and I lay there, bleeding to death trying to call my husband to tell him that I loved him one last time before I died. But he didn't pick up, because he was at work, and couldn't, and didn't know what was going on. So I left him a voicemail, telling him I loved him, and then I died.

So, that all flashed through my brain in about five seconds.

And someone doesn't have to be driving recklessly for me to have "visions" like that. To see the different possibilities, none of them good. All involve me being horribly hurt, killed, something bad. Every day when I drive, I see this, probably 20 or 30 little ones, though the one yesterday left more of an imprint on me. Normally I just "see" them, and then forget.

What is normal? And why the fuck can't I just be that.

i am not here
i am not here
to the skies i've flown
to freedom i have soared
no longer bound
by the ties that choked
the chains that cut
and tore my spirit
the threads i've severed
the terror i've seen
fly away
fly away
high above
storms below
they rage and rumble
cannot touch me
stars above me
crystal clear
i fly away
to the sea
to the desert
to the end
of what was me